Today was a good day. Got up around 7am after a semi-restless night's sleep. There was a small earth quake at 3:28am and I couldn't get back to sleep until after 4:30. Went for a hike to Cedar Creek with Darryl, Scott and Mike as well as Molly and Bandit. Dino didn't get to go. He just had a bath and there's a baby on the way. We went to work after that.


We stopped in to see Nanni on the way down to Bonita. She had her evaluation for a Board and Care on Monday and should be moving there on Wednesday. She seemed tired and had trouble talking (she has a cold), but she seemed to be doing well.

Today marks the first Monday we didn't have to go to Poway to check on the store. It felt eerily weird. There was no second box of things to bring from Bonita.

I was going through some old ramblings from October and thought I'd share them here. I do mean rambling. This has been quite the roller coaster ride trying to decide if we should close the Poway store and be able to maintain business as usual. Please keep that in mind while you read the rest of this.

It's called Death of a Friend

I should have gone for a run this morning, but every move I make feels like I’m gasping for breath.

I started running again in October 2009. 20 years after I stopped. I felt I needed to do something about my waistline and my peace of mind. Things have been failing for a while and I felt if I could just have control of one thing. It would make my body and mind feel better.

I started Jazzercise in August of 2010. Not my thing and totally out of character for me. Brenda, my neighbor is a good friend and talked me into it. It’s a good workout.

This has been one of the most stressful things I have gone through in my life. I have had anxiety before, but nothing compares to the dread and feeling of not knowing what comes next…

Dream’s dying is like a part of you being ripped from your body. Reading someone else's positive quotes is a jolt. It wakes you up and then throws you down on the pavement, helping you to remember that everything around you is falling apart. Like you’re being flushed down a toilet and there’s no way of grasping at the sides to save yourself.

You feel like the world and everyone in it is out to get you. Like everyone wants you to fail. Every little thing is magnified, from the smallest bill to the largest. They are all LARGE at the moment.

There are moments when everything feels like it’s going to be ok. It’s the moments when you forget what turmoil you are truly in. You feel happy and carefree for a while, and then reality sets in. There’s work to be done, a deadline to meet, a phone call to answer.

You try to be nice, but people are people. They just can’t seem to get out of their own way. Why can’t I get past the fact that no one reads, no one comprehends, no one wants to do it themselves. They want to be told what to do. I’m not a salesman. I’m just a person that loves what I do and wants them to love it too. Why can’t you listen to me when I’m talking? You asked me, I’m answering you and you’re also answering yourself. Why did you call me?

I love waking up when I want. I still wake up earlier than most people. I love morning. I love getting a workout over at the beginning of a day. It sets you up for the rest of the day. You’re awake and alive! It just feels good. I don’t want someone to tell me I have to get up and be somewhere at a certain time. That takes the magic away, seeing the sun rise, seeing the sun set on your own time, that’s priceless. Spending time with the ones you love, being able to reach out and touch them whenever you want, that’s priceless.

Telling friends and family you may have failed. GUT WRENCHING! You’ve tried everything, put off stuff, cut back, and sacrificed, to no avail. The economy has drained everything. You feel like you may was well be taking your last breaths.

It feels like majority in this case does not rule. We are the innocent bystanders in this terrible accident that we may or may not have helped to create, but are nonetheless the victims.

I am in my 40’s and looking for a job. Is this the way things are supposed to go? Shouldn’t I be looking forward to retirement? Not looking at where I might be able to get money to pay my next mortgage? We did the right thing. We paid our debt down, only had one open credit card, and didn’t keep a lot open to chance. Is that why we survived longer then some?

It’s easy to point a finger. Blame someone else for your problems. Is this really our fault? Did we keep interest rates low? Did we keep 0% financing on the table too long and offer it to too many? Did we fix the numbers when things were starting to look bleak? Hindsight is 20/20, but those of us in the expendable cash industry saw this coming two years before the government would let anyone else see it. The banks should have been punished, not given a bail out. They should have been held accountable for throwing not only this country, but the world into financial turmoil. Lending money to people who are high risk is their fault. They were supposed to be the educated ones. They were supposed to keep us safe from ourselves.

We did the right thing and now we are screwed. Who’s going to bail us out? We are! We don’t want your hand out! We want a hand up though. Give me a hand; help me up while I’m down here drowning in your cesspool of lies and corruption. We don’t want to drown in your filth. We want to be able to rise up and swim over it into our own new world. Free of your greed and hatred toward those that can do things the right way. Get out of my way! We want to live again! We want to live again!